The Road to Awe
by canarygold
Summary: Almost completely AU - very *loosely* canon. s6 never happened. I did that thing again where I take characters and twist and contort them and their universe to dark and unnecessary degrees. Dystopian/Mutant universe. lots of character death. polyamoury at dysfunction junction. Nate/Blair/Serena, Dair, Serenate, Carter Baizen, maybe more.
1. Act i

**Hello everyone.  
>I'm back again with my time jumping, strangely formatted stories. I'd recommend viewing this at half page since I always write with tight margins. To everyone still watching my profile who actually checked this out thanks for all the likes and follows in my absence. I'm a very sporadic member of every fandom I'm a part of an it's nice to be able to reward your collective patience. I also created a tumblr with the same username as a url (it's a side blog so I can't follow back!) as a way of archiving and getting more experimental with how I present my writing. Check it out if you're interested. <strong>

**Until later, xx Golden**

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><p>It's the strangest thing, I think idly as I stare out into the streets at a pair of teenagers breaking into a car, to feel time <em>in the act<em> of running out. Nate and Serena haven't moved since the news item has started, I don't know whether it's for lack of knowing what to say (Serena) or quite simply fear (Nate) maybe it's both.

I can hear Serena's question, in her husky yet demure voice before she even asks it, "What are we going to do?"

I also know Nate's answer before he utters the words, "We'll just lay low."

—- —- —- —-

A year passes and after the first round of screening with the bio-scanners the government enforces registration. China, Hawaii and Australia are the only places left that stand against the act of registering Alters.

That's what we are called.

About 50% of us developed this way as a result of taking the anti-climate change vaccines. The rest of us, well let's just say what I thought was a flu shot was really my non-existent consent to sign up for a blind control cross-study. New York was the hub for the blind studies the internet says, the city that never slept had an ideal diverse populous to catalogue.

Serena had never believed in flu shots.

Yet another year has passed us, we have moved out of the city by this point, it is not safe. Martha's Vineyard was abandoned 3 years ago, due to how unstable I've become Nate sold, stole, cheated and lied to sneak us back in here unnoticed. We're at the highest point he could find, so we can see every and anything coming he says. Why couldn't we see this?

"Blood checks?" Serena is beside herself. "Nate what are we going to do? Even with me inside your damn pocket you can't protect anyone!"

It's been hard to get used to her with the brown hair, it's been 4 years since she's been blonde but I still expect to see bright yellow fly about when she explodes as she is now.

Nate is sitting on a worn armchair, his elbows rest on his knees, his chin on his thumbs with his index fingers covering his lips. 5 Minutes pass and Serena storms out the back onto the wooden deck that is run down by salt, sun and time - a metaphor for our life. Nate either doesn't notice she's not around anymore or he just doesn't care when he finally speaks, "We have to leave, I know someone who said when the time came, an emergency, to call on them."

"Where?" He jumps at the sound of my voice, I hardly speak when I don't have to anymore.

"Australia."

It is late, dark and raining on a Wednesday when we pack and drive for hours and hours until we reach a dock. I don't know where we are but I don't ask, it really doesn't matter anyway. The last person I was expecting to greet us was Carter Baizen, Serena is shocked but then accepts this quickly, like as if to say to herself, who _else_ could it be sneaking us out of America? He is using his norm status to help those in need, seems like the world becoming the worst it could be brought out the best in him.

He wraps a strand of Serena's hair around his finger, his eyebrows raised in a teasing way, and she favours him one of her oldest widest smiles I've seen in a while.

"You're like the rest of us now, however will we find our way in the dark?"

I want to say even if her hair was white we'll never make it out of this but I remain still, staring blankly at a spot on Serena's shoulder when he sees me.

"Blair…" He kisses Serena hurriedly as she starts to walk up the ramp before turning his full attention on me.

"I'm sorry. I heard about your loss…losses I guess." I shrug silently but he simply takes one of my hands clasping it tightly and pulling it to the middle of his chest before wrapping his other hand behind my neck. It is not stifling, or controlling, this is an act of condolence and comfort.

He looks me evenly in my face and sighs, "Whatever the past, you did not deserve to take quite so many blows. I'm sorry B."

A single tear slides down my cheek but I make no effort to move or speak.  
>I only lean up and press a soft peck over his lips before stepping around him and walking up the ramp.<p>

We will go to Hawaii first then onto our final destination.

We've developed a habit of sleeping in the same room, Nate needs Serena nearby and I need him. Serena just needs to know we're still here, I look at her face as she sleeps now - she is having a nightmare. I imagine it is of the night when her mother says to her that it's better she not know where they're taking Eric, that she shouldn't even be telling her goodbye but she just has to. She told me that she cried so hard she didn't think she would breathe again.

My heart broke for her even as I thought, at least you have the hope that they're out there somewhere.

Instead I just held her.

My hand finds Nate's shoulder on on the mattress behind me before I've shifted onto my back. He sighs out a 'Hmm'. before slowly but steadily fixing a gaze on me, waiting.

"Nightmare." I say quickly.

In what feels like an age old ballet, he props himself up on one elbow and looks over at Serena, it's dim; a candle is under a lantern in the opposite corner. He then takes his other arm and it goes to my waist, pulling me closer to him as he begins to maneuver us to switch places so that he can calm Serena down. We are laid out on a king mattress on the floor in the corner of a room, hidden away as the boat goes on rocking from side to side ever so slightly. As Serena's whimpers intensify then fade out after Nate pulls her into his side his hand finds mine in the darkness.

The days of me hating her for stealing my boyfriend, hating him for wanting her, feeling not good enough for either of them seem so, so fickle and impossibly far away. This is dark, it is desperate but it's **real**, we are all dedicated to each other's survival.

One bottle of any strong liquor is all it takes for the hard, neutral lines we've drawn to fall away. Though these days that's the last thing on any one's mind, and since I've started talking less Nate has been more careful with me, protective but rarely intimate. Serena is consistent in her inconsistency, sometimes she is my friend from my childhood, sometimes the train wreck, and sometimes this new Serena who almost seems out of touch with reality.

One night I sit with the latter, she's playing in my hair, I always know she's disengaged when her face and voice take on this otherworldly serene quality. Her cigarette hangs limply in her other hand, I sit on the ground in front her as she is propped up sideways on the same worn armchair we all rotate on.

"Why the blue B?" she grazes my scalp affectionately and my eyelids flutter shut as I realize she's gone elsewhere in that moment.

Because Serena knows the answer to that question, knows the whole story because she was there. My hair's shade, tones and streaks change and grow in direct proportion to my alter effects. The ends are the bluest, this happens the time we were in the car heading to the vineyard and we get the call that my father's chalet is gone.

I became, all too quickly, too much for Nate to soothe. He pulled the truck to the side and ran around to my door tearing it open, I felt myself beginning to hum as the sobs racked my body. A low vibrate that climbed higher and higher with each laboured breath.

"Blair…Blair? Blair!" I remember him taking hold of my hand only to get a burn as a reward. The tears only came faster at the sound of his hiss and profane outcry and he looked at me then begging forgiveness even as it was I who spun out of control.

"Run." he whispers and behind him I see the waterfront.

I got a few strides away from the water before I heard Eric's broken voice replay in my mind, _'Blair, Roman and your mother made it out, Harold and my mum didn't.'_

We are not invincible.

I managed to make it under the water just in time but blacked out shortly after I in short order, imploded then exploded.

I came to at the house, my head in Nate's lap as he sat propped up against a solid mahogany headboard a book in his hand. Nate stopped shaving after he discovered his alterism, he has a full beard that he trims but never gets rid of.

It's shaggy unruliness only serves to confirm what we all already knew; he is unable to be anything but beautiful.

I reached up then and touched the fuzz on his face which, in turn, caused him to drop the book without a thought to his place and clap his other hand over mine.

The sight of the bandage caused me to sit up almost too fast.  
>"No..". I don't know who I think will hear my plea, or what I'm even asking for.<br>I am just racked with guilt.

"Hey. Heeyyy." He moved closer so his legs were on either side of me, and ran both his hands across my face and over my head. I realized then that my hair was pulled back into a wet severe bun which caused me to reach for the clip at the crown of my head. It was fast but I saw his expression flicker with an unreadable hesitance.

He repeat himself, even more gentle than before, "Hey, look at me one second."

But I was uninterested in being eased in, I snapped the clip away rebelliously and searched for the first mirror I could find, which happened to be directly behind me.

A shocking blue colour made its way up from the bottom of my long hair, as though my ends were dipped in paint. I scurried off the bed and to the distressed white vanity pressing my hands on the dusty surface leaning in to the mirror.

"What?" was all I managed to squeeze out, even as my throat protested against the one syllable.

My hair would continue with each incident of instability, different intensities gaining different results until any brown in my mane is a distant memory. The moments in front the mirror play behind my lids now as Serena tugs lightly waiting for me to reply to her.

Nate comes to stand behind me and sweeps it all to one side before placing a hand on my exposed shoulder and dropping a kiss to my temple. His face remains pressed in this spot, his eyes closed.

"I wanted a chance to tell you first, we fished you out like this. Blair…I'm sorry I couldn't help yo…"

I spin around then, sudden and just filled to the brim with too many emotions to name, "Don't you dare apologize to me Nathaniel, just… don't…"

I reach for his bandaged hand and hold it between us before kissing him and leaving him alone.

"Just being silly S." I say softly.

* * *

><p>The sound of one of the untraceable phones startles you awake, you look over at the digital clock on the wall, why on earth would someone think you're down for a 3 am conversation? You swing your hand over the edge of the bed and slide the small basket out into your line of sight expecting to see a light of some sort in there. What you find is faint, small and green and you realize it's one of the very oldest models at the bottom.<p>

You clear your throat once before dryly intoning, 'secure line go ahead.'

"Hey." the other line crackles.

'Carter.' you fall back onto your pillow and roll to your side waiting.

"Drop off." is all he says, can never be too careful these days.

'When.' you ask, anxious to chuck the phone back in the basket, he knows time differences and should have known better than to call at this ungodly hour.

"Four days out." he damn near chirps.

Yeah he called at this time on purpose. Fucking guy.

All you do is spare him a grunt before hitting the end button. He begins to speak but you take great pleasure in cutting him off. Details, details.

In four days as you sit in the bed of your pick up, doodling in margins toying with pulling the cigarette from behind your ear, when you first spot the boat come around the coast line. It takes another 30 minutes before it's pulling in, it has been 45 minutes total since first spotting the vessel when you first lay eyes on them.

Merciful fuck.

It takes you a while, they're like reverse reflections of themselves, the super shiny Nate Archibald is resembling a really pretty mountain man, Serena once the focal point of your teenage dreams has gone over to the dark side. Her eyes stand out amidst a sea of chocolate that swims all the way down her back. A girl with blue hair gets out after them, it's a wild thing - something entirely unto itself. Baby blues, deep royal shaded chunks and even some shades of bold cerulean… wait…

Is that Blair freakin' Waldorf?  
>You are officially in the twilight zone.<p>

The three of them walk single file, Nate's arm outstretched behind him clasping Blair's small hand, guess that's back on… the one to spot you first is Waldorf.

She stops dead in her tracks, causing Nate to jerk to a stop while Serena continues unaware albeit still managing to be the second one to notice you and her eyes go wide. Blair's face contorts into the frown and glare you remember well and she folds her arms before fixing Nate with a look that is pure betrayal.

You turn to leave, a kneejerk not at all thought out reaction and like a blasted Phantom, Carter steps in front you, "Shouldn't have hung up that phone _Daniel_."


	2. Act ii

**AN: Thanks for all feedback 3**  
><strong>don't forget to view in 12 page or even 3/4.  
>sadly my formatting isn't supported on but it stays elsewhere<strong>

**Anyway thank you for following along with the first multi-chaptered thing I've done since like.._2002_? omg**

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><p>I couldn't tell you why the sight of Dan Humphrey upset me as much as it did, I should have been surprised even confused, but instead I was outraged. Maybe it was because I thought Nate purposefully kept this from us, or that this was just one of the last people I wanted to owe a favour.<p>

As far as most of us know Daniel Humphrey died in a fire in Malaysia 3 and a half years ago.

He's talking to Carter now, looking highly irritated but at ease all the same, if I didn't know any better I'd say they resemble two people who are friends. Serena is the picture of awkward panic and Nate steps in front of both of us before sighing heavily and quickly.

"Guys... I'm sorry, look he reached out to me after he heard I was an alter and we made a pact ok? I keep his survival a secret and he keeps my status to himself... I needed to know there was someone else out there to look out for you two if something happened to me."

Serena hugs him then, somewhat mollified, "It's ok Natey, I trust your reasons."

They both turn to face me as Carter and Humphrey start to walk over, eyeing me as though I am going to decide now, here, today – to for the first time in months - do something rash. I just roll my eyes and calmly ask, "How do we know we can trust that he won't report us?"

They stop next to us then, Humphrey directly across from me laughs dryly before snatching the cigarette from behind his ear and shoots Carter a brief but pointed look. Carter's nod in return is absolutely minute, almost invisible.

"Because, Smurfette..." He winks in my direction when I frown intensely at the nickname.

His hand then cups and lifts towards his cigarette and he snaps his fingers twice below the tip, inhaling casually as if he isn't currently rolling flames off his hand, "Just... because..."

I hate him all at once for making me feel anything other than numb, sad and defeated.  
>A much smaller, more secret part of me wants to thank him.<p>

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><p>Some nights when it gets too hot you wake up in a panic and guzzle three glasses of ice water. This is one of those nights... in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have picked such a hot country to hideaway in, maybe it should have been Alaska, or Antarctica. Not that you have any particular obsession with countries that reside in the A part of the dictionary or anything.<p>

As you stand there in the dark, taking an ice pack out the freezer and pressing it to your neck you remember the first time.

The time that a fever from what you thought was a flu, burnt you up in your sleep. Literally – you, your bed and the hostel you were staying in.

You remember the strange delirious dreams you had of New York and eventually waking up groggy in what was left of your room when the foundation began to crumble. It felt like a nightmare but the walls peeling back under your enflamed touch was too real. There were very few public cases of alterism back then, most of the ones made public were of the more dangerous variety to really stir the pot of mass hysteria. You disappeared into the night through the back, the hostel was by a path that led to a small waterfall, about a 30 minute hike away.

When you returned an hour later the building is gone and so was, for the most part, Dan Humphrey.

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><p>Nate sits up front with Humphrey as we set out on what turns out to be a 4 hour drive, we are in a massive pick up truck. The kind that has not one but two rows of seats in the cab.<p>

Built Ford Tough, whispers in my mind, an echo of a simpler time long gone.

Serena has fallen asleep right away and my silence causes one of the two men to forget I am there , maybe. Dan, midway through the 2nd hour flips the radio off and asks Nate to hand him a cigarette from inside the dash. He tries to conjure a flame, twice and then kisses his teeth in frustrated confusion.

Nate realises then and quickly speaks up, "Oh shit sorry man that's me, go ahead it should work now."

Dan places just his thumb under his lips this time and a flame appears quickly. He glances sideways at Nate impressed and wary all at once, "How does that work anyway? What is it you do."

"Oh man," Nate messes up his already messy hair and rubs his beard once, "I uh...can suppress other alterisms. It's strongest around Norms, so whenever I go somewhere with Serena I essentially mimic her bio code and I scan as normal. Maybe there's more I don't know about, not like I can stroll into a clinic and come back out again..."

"Active thought or you can't control it?" Dan doesn't always blow out smoke when he inhales his cigs. It is a bizarre process to watch.

"Um... well it's kind of second nature at this point once I'm with the girls, to do it for B."

His eyes flash to the rear-view mirror then and he jumps a little bit to see me staring back quietly, smoke actually leaves his mouth at the sound of his small gasp. Yes that's right, I'm still here.

"What about you Waldorf, what's your deal?"

I don't answer and Nate shifts in his seat to angle his back more towards the door, so he can see me, he lets his hand rest on the back of the seat and I graze his knuckles with my fingertips.

_Go ahead._ I say without speaking.

Dan's eyes narrow and bore into mine when Nate speaks instead of me, "Blair...we think...is manipulating energy. I'm not sure if all kinds or one in particular, she can sometimes focus and direct it. She can - however - absorb all kinds but... sometimes if it gets unstable inside her she uh... well..."

He trails off, half sheepish and half protective, Dan raises an eyebrow in what I remember to be a quintessential expression of his usually to be followed by some dry, witty retort.

I speak then, plainly and flat, "Explode. Sometimes I explode."

I can tell Humphrey is disturbed but also feels badly for me, he seems to be having a somewhat personal reaction to this information. He makes a non-committal noise of condolence and dives into asking Nate if different abilities feel heavier or differently, ergo making them harder to suppress.

He looks into the mirror at least 4 more times.

"So why Australia?" It is Serena who asks from next to me.

Dan answers with a question of his own, "Do you know why they forwent registering alters here" she shakes her head no..

"This country, and it's terrain are dangerous and extensive enough as is. The government won't condone man hunts in such unpredictable conditions."

He pauses, for effect I'd imagine, before muttering, "Lots of places to hide."

Serena nods in response, then begins fishing in her purse, her own cigarette hanging limply in her lips. I feel like I might as well move into a fucking chimney but say nothing. Dan, after craning to look behind us as he reverses, spots her searching franticly.

"Need a light?" he asks off-handedly.

"Uh... yeah." She takes it out her mouth and awkwardly hands it to him in 3 short stutters, he notices but let's it slide without comment.

Serena watches on interested as he lights it by taking a drag.

"How does it feel?" she asks him with a careful softness that is edged with what I think resembles pity, if he senses this undertone as well – it will be yet another thing he's reserving judgement on.

He's changed.

Dan shuts the engine off with a jerk and bites his lip with a steadying breath before speaking, "Stifling, like...uh... like I'm going to burst into flames anytime I get too agitated... it … well it feels like Hell is inside me Serena."

He looks at her face only once – when he says her name and then exits the vehicle without another word, Nate shoots her a look and gets out right after and she looks at me sadly and takes my hand and kisses it. I give her a small reassuring smile and push some of her (now frizzy, she is going to hate it here) hair out her face.

The guys are at the back of the truck trying to decide what to take first, Dan mentions getting help on the second leg so it will only be two trips, Serena goes to look for something light to carry while I look at what is to be our new home. I lean back against the warmth of the truck, feel sweat trickle down my neck and try to imagine what it is to get used to the sensation of such heavy, heavy humidity and hot, hot heat.

The compound from where we are positioned looks like a ranch but I look around the edges of the building directly in front me and I realize there seem to be more structures beyond.

Dan comes to my side to reach into the truck for a walkie talkie and answers a question Serena asked that I didn't hear, "It's in a valley, this house is at the top and the ones at the lowest point are all shaded by trees on the other incline."

A strange voice comes through with a rush of static, and he inquires what is available with 3 rooms.

"One room, two max." I politely inform him.

He looks at me, then over at the others, to see Serena wrapping her arms around Nate's neck and laughing at some little comment he made. He casually rolls his eyes and runs his arms down her sides before pinching her at her hip playfully. Daniel Humphrey is many things but slow is and never was one of them, I know he has already noted interactions between Nate and myself from earlier. His eyes widen for the merest of fractions before he nods at me and just parrots back my request.

"It'll be a couple of weeks, we're still building a bunch of new structures in the basin, you guys can stay at the top with me. There are a lot of rooms in this bungalow."

"You at the top of the food chain here Humphrey?" It's a joke but it's dead panned as I nibble one of my nails.

He knocks my hand out my mouth before smiling sadly, "It's safer for every one if I burn up in my sleep."

"Lucky us." I turn and walk away. I'm tired, it's the most I've spoken in one sitting in weeks.

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><p>That night, after dinner the girls excuse themselves, giddy after having too much wine. You ask Nate if he wants to have some scotch out on the deck and he looks after the girls as Blair's blue hair flies out behind her while chasing Serena.<p>

Oh right.

You offer to do this another night, trailing off awkwardly. You're not sure how to politely skirt this issue.

He looks over at you then, his eyelids heavy, face placid and shrugs, "Nah, it's cool, I'm just happy to see them so relaxed, they'll probably be up for a while"

You don't say anything but begin walking over to a cabinet that houses all your spirits and grab a bottle and two glasses. He takes the glasses and follows you out on to the deck, the night is cold as you like it best.

'I hope neat is ok.' you say as you pour.

"Always." he smiles and then "Thanks again man, I know when you imagined the day I called on you it probably wasn't a package deal."

You swallow the scotch that's in your mouth and tell him it's really not that big a deal. Then you ask him how come he never mentioned Blair's alterism.

"She hadn't presented yet man. Couldn't have told you what I didn't know myself."

You wonder how he discovered his own abilities then, and he continues speaking , "I uh... was with Chuck when I found out I had the ability, he was trying to turn a marble sculpture into gold so we could sell it ."

You heard from Carter that Chuck died 4 years ago, you didn't ask for details, some sort of accident. You know that it's sad even if you didn't like the guy, and Nate's stony silence reminds you now that other people did.

"Anyway... I mean it." Nate starts up again, "Serena is way more lucid for much longer than she's been in months and Blair... man you've managed to get her annoyed or alert enough to talk!"

This reminds you of the incident in the car earlier, so you ask what is with Blair's uncharacteristic silence. If he notices that you keep finding questions to throw at him then Nate doesn't seem to mind. You wonder how long the three of them have been in hiding with no one else for company.

Nate, somewhat sombrely, readily answers you, "We're all handling it differently is the shortest answer."

'The longer one?' you hear yourself mutter.

The story goes like this; Blair hardly speaks anymore, there was a lightning storm about 6 months ago, causing a girl you once knew as a firecracker of a shrew to turn into a veritable lightning rod. They were hiding out at Martha's vineyard at this point and she started getting to hard for Nate to suppress. At some point, against his wishes he feels the need to add; she moved to the pool house for the night.

You listen avidly, understanding Blair Waldorf even more than you previously thought possible.

The storm of course got worse, rain started pouring in earnest and somewhere around 3am a bolt struck the pool house and she over charged. The small building caught on fire, by the time she became stable again the rain had thankfully slowed any flames that were there. She had tons of energy to discharge and was sick and untouchable for a week after... she hasn't been the same since. This is in addition to her becoming more withdrawn since their time in New York.

Serena it seems is another story.

He pours more scotch in his glass, "Serena, I don't know, she worries me at the best of the times, it's like she escapes into some alternate state of mind... if she wasn't so young I'd say it was dementia but it's not... she just can't and doesn't want to deal."

You feel a tingling jolt of annoyance, what does a norm have to deal with in a society catering to protecting them against a danger such as yourself? A danger that has to be stopped at all costs...

"We're all she has left."

This admission causes you to relent somewhat. You guess it must be hard to know that the people you care most about in this world could be killed for something they didn't choose to be and you'd just be left drifting alone without them.

The silence stretches on and you begin to feel the alcohol slip away as quickly as its tingles came, which is why you've taken up smoking, alcohol evaporates from your system too quickly. You look up to the window where you see a light on, the girls are in there. Nate follows your eyeline and hums to himself.

"You gonna ask or what Bro?"

'Still undecided.' Is your plain reply.

You then reach in your pocket for a cigarette, he declines your offer to share and instead pours himself some more scotch with a barely visible shake to his hands.

He's always been a graceful drunk, subtle and charming.

After a few sips he speaks up unprovoked. "Well for what it's worth, there's a lot to tell but nothing at the same time. For me to tell you something concrete it would be a more direct conversation than anything I've had with them."

'So what? You guys just all fuck each other and never talk about it?' you ask in spite of yourself.

"That's an oversimplification... It was just... it was inevitable. Didn't happen right away but we're all one person at this point, none of us knows how long we have anymore but we do know we have this history... and love... always have."

He pauses to take a sip, "Truth is...things got so fucked up so fast... sometimes you need someone to hold on to in the darkness so you don't get lost."

You totally get it, but say nothing and instead just clink your empty glass to his full one.

Some 20 minutes later he stands and stretches and looks down at you, pensive.

"Is it dark where you are Dan?"

You take a full 30 seconds to weigh all the subtext and plain inquiry of his question.

"I'm a fire starter." is all you say.


	3. Act iii

**AN: Things of note!: Behold! A sex scene finally appears! Also thanks to my friend Sarah for enabling me further by sending me an invite to Archiveofourown. You can find this story there (with proper formatting!) under the pen name _masterofnone_ (as in jack of all fandoms lol) Anyhoo - tysm to everyone who is leaving feedback and following. I endlessly appreciate it and am inspired as a result! xoxo**

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><p><span>Manhattan<span>

Serena and Nate decide to surprise me for my birthday, this is during the period wherein I have developed a need to go on the roof for hours at a time. I usually sit, breathing, looking out at the city. I go up earlier than usual – taking in the unnatural colours of the sky that would no doubt bring us solar rain tomorrow. It's sad to know that all these unusual beautiful things will not only eventually spell the end for us as a species but also that I only exist as I do now as a last ditch attempt to survive.

They were quite chirpy and evasive when I left for the rooftop but I said nothing of it. It's the craziest thing, the less I rush to speak the more I am able to observe, and see the hidden parts of people and the world around me.

I'm changing.

Which I begrudgingly realize in that moment, is unavoidable. I finger my blue hair at this pondering, I worry this makes me submissive and weak... but then I acknowledge most people who aren't Nate and Serena are unnerved by my silences when they stretch on for too long. There is nothing weak about choosing where and when not to speak with a bit more care.

When I return downstairs I find the ceiling covered in balloons, Serena setting down a giant bouquet of hydrangeas at the table where Nate is lighting a number one on a cake.

"Guys..." I smile at them.

They rush over to me, Serena says happy birthday like I've won a race while Nate whispers it against my lips like a prayer. I let her guide me over feeling her arm wrapped around my waist pulling me tight to her.

"One?" I ask pointing at the candle. I am 26 today, Chuck would have been 26 I think briefly.

"Nate decided we should reset the clock, start over." Serena mutters lacing her fingers through my own.

I force a smile, I appreciate the gesture, hopefully I am up to the task.

There is dinner, Nate has somehow procured us a crate of wine, he doesn't say how but he does warn us, "Don't drink it all in one night."

We move to the fireplace after dinner, the cake is on an Ottoman, we only have two forks and we share. We are almost finished the second bottle, reminiscing about the time we were all 11 and hid in Serena's closet at one of Lilly's parties and took turns kissing each other. Nate is as red as a beet, his eyes avoid mine as our thighs press against each other on the couch. Serena is facing us, forever on the floor, a hippy princess if ever I did meet one.

"Nate... come on, tell us who was the better kisser?" she teases him, enjoying putting him on the spot and winking at me I try not to laugh at his squirmy attempts to change the subject.

"Gosh S, it was so long ago." Nate says and looks at his lap and runs a few slender fingers over his pants hurriedly, dusting off non existent lint.

"Fine, fine, fine. Chicken shit." She laughs into her wine glass at his expression, "I know it was me."

Nate looks at me then, searching to see if I need soothing and I don't know why but in that moment I decide to show him just how many bygones are here in this room with us.

"Prove it." It is said to Serena but I am looking him straight in the baby blues.

The leg next to me jumps slightly, his lips part and his eyes open wider.

Serena squeals loudly, and goes "Oooo!" while clapping her hands playfully.

She gets on her knees and closes the space between us, a hand goes to one of Nate's knees and one of mine, then she leans up in Nate's direction before at the last second hovering over my mouth and whispering, "I thought you'd never ask."

This kiss isn't shared by two 11 year olds, it's more than 11 years in the making.

She tastes like frosting and sauvignon blanc. Her tongue slides under mine, coaxing me to take control and I smile into her then, accepting her unspoken offer. Swiftly, I grab her bun and pull it out before twisting the loose hair in my fist, her hands are on my neck, stroking as she sighs. I feel Nate shift next to me and hear his glass make contact with the surface of the table to his left, when she purrs softly I pull back and press our foreheads together but turn our faces to look in his direction.

He does the thing where he lets his index finger rest against his temple as his chin is cradled by his thumb. He is all smirks and restraint when we both chuckle saucily.

"Well I guess I win." Serena announces pleased with herself.

He looks at me then, focus pouring out of him in my direction, "Come here Blair."

The shiver that runs through me is beyond thrilling.

I release Serena's hair right as I feel his fingers grip my arm near my elbow, his other hand dives deep into my hair, once all the way back, down to the back of my neck then up to take hold of my chin and he firmly and hotly begins to devour me, breath first, heart beats second, tongue completely.

I slip easily away from Serena seeing as she moves from her place by my legs, at his whisper light tug. Nate pulls me easily onto one of his legs, my left knee resting on the couch. I feel Serena's weight dip into the space I vacated and one his hands is at the center of my back crushing my chest to him the other comes down and not only grips my ass but does so after slipping under my panties.

Serena's breath begins to get short, quick – like a rabbit – as little sighs of pleasure hide within each one.

His final act is to lightly press a kiss my neck before sucking on it for 2 seconds. He adjusts me so I am evenly straddling him, leans me back on one arm while the other one pops two of the buttons on my romper open. His finger runs down briefly and then he stops, leans back, sits me up and slips his hand back to my ass before turning to Serena.

"Let's let her vote now."

I sit there, entirely undone, as I am sure was Nate's intention. My head buzzes, my heart races and other parts of me ache in the most pleasant of ways.

"I think it's a tie." I say coyly.

"Oh?" It's Nate, his hand from under my underwear squeezes and I gasp

Serena surprises him again and whispers in his ear, "You heard her, pucker up big guy."

He laughs into her pouty lips before she takes him all in.

Though we have many more nights to follow together in various combinations, this encounter comes back to me often in spite of the fact that a lot of moments have disappeared with the wine I had too much of. It comes back to me like a movie trailer for a movie I saw long ago; in bursts and snippets.

Me slowing down my pace to whisper into Nate's ear, "You're so fine."  
>He responds, "God you're sexy."<br>Serena leaning back while riding his lap, all the way, her back arching as her mouth finds mine.  
>Her face between my legs while Nate worships my nipples with his tongue.<br>Me , on the floor, propped up against the couch, Nate leans back on my chest.  
>His hands gripping Serena's hips only moving on my commands, "In. Out. Harder. Out...wait...wait... Now."<br>Serena keens. 'OhOhOhOooh.'

* * *

><p>When you wake the next day, Nate and Serena are still asleep. Blair is perched on a stool at the breakfast bar that peers into your wide, window lined living room, the tv is playing the top news stories of the day.<p>

The weather man prattles on about the week ahead. "And finally on Sunday we will be having Hot Lightning. So be sure to stay in doors!"

You see Blair's profile contort at the phrase, she spins at your voice then scowls at you for startling her.

It's a recent phenomenon you tell her.

That it has been for about 2 years now, awful heat waves that um...welcome... lightning storms in the middle of the day.'

She stares at you, clearly thinking the same thing but neither of you say it.

"Are there any bodies of water nearby?"

You shake your head and then say simply. 'There are caves though.'

She must have been awake for a while, the coffee is cold you notice as you warm the mug in your hand. It's one of those weird habits you can't give up, warm drinks aren't always the best idea for you anymore but it's a cherished ritual first thing in the morning.

"What now?" Blair asks.

You don't see her at first, she has walked down to the far right corner where the dining area is, there are no trees blocking her view there. You walk over and ask if she is up for a tour.

She nods in response.

You leave her there and walk over to the other end of the floor, out of her view and in the shade of the trees. The living/dining area is a giant U shape that wraps around the kitchen and then the bedrooms. On the left side of the house is a giant deck, this is where you sit and enjoy the symphony of birds and cicadas. Nate gets up second and by this time you are in the kitchen on the walkie speaking with Zach about shifts and the next big meeting. He nods his head at you, his hair sticking every which way and is forgoing a shirt like yourself.

Blair has found one of your books and is deep into it's pages when he squats down in front her. She holds on to the book but puts her arms behind his neck. The book rests against his head while she kisses him soundly and his fingers skitter along the sides of her legs.

Zach has said your name 3 times and you, to save face just say yes to whatever he has asked.

It's been a while since you've had someone in your life long enough, close enough to be that familiar. You are lonely.

* * *

><p>We set out on the tour after lunch. Nate and Serena share a slightly too long shower, what starts out as him helping her since she's so hung over turns into a soundtrack I'm very familiar with.<p>

The same cannot be said of our new room mate.

The room starts feeling warm and when I crack a window he disappears out the front and I realize he is the source. I wonder what about this whole thing makes him upset but of course won't ask and I won't tell the others either. I don't any part of the fallout of Nathaniel's poor decision making skills.

By the time we meet him outside, Serena is all over me and Nate's face doesn't belie a single thing, though I don't think this is his intention.

They walk ahead talking easily about the way of life here while Serena asks me whether I think she should cut her hair off.

"I like it curly." I say quietly. She smiles since I actually opted to speak.

"For you then." she lets it fall.

Dan and Nate talk on.

"So we've got a fully functioning community pretty much. Once your home is built you can formally figure where you think you'd be most useful. No one expects you to pitch in before then but uh... you can if you want to of course."

"I'd like to see some of the building process, maybe help with what I can... haven't done any hard work for too long man."

Dan says something I don't hear and Nate chortles and shoves him but only lightly, the path we take is steep, uneven - some houses are very close together as a result. He turns to me and Serena then, notes her hand under the hem of my tank and speaks almost too casually.

Neither of them notice.

"Oh! Serena there's a really huge garden and they just finished a greenhouse that has been built into a reinforced recession in the cliff side. Dunno if you're still into that sort of thing..." she bolts away from me and jumps on Dan who has an altogether hilarious reaction as he was completely not expecting her to thank him this way.

I almost feel like it's 2009 again.

He holds her up and through a disbelieving laugh his brown eyes find mine, "Blair, there's a council, I already told them that you'd probably be best suited to their ranks. We can always use another alter in the group, the numbers are close because a lot of the norms here fancy themselves guardians but I think the assembly is lacking in people who can relate to harsh reality of our existence"

"Are you on it?" Nate asks what I am dying to know.

"Uuuhhh." Dan puts Serena down smiling when she elects to keep her arm around his shoulders, "Sometimes, if I'm needed. I used to be more active when I first got here."

"I didn't think there would be many like me here." Serena says honestly.

"Strictly speaking, there aren't Serena, not as a numbers game but you're far from the only one here. We got some parents with alters for kids, and some norms are here with their spouses. A couple of siblings – that sorta thing."

She gets quiet, reflective but stays in step with him, opting to link her arm through his and he seems to enjoy the contact. I find myself wondering if he is seeing anyone then quickly becoming horrified that I even wondered this in the first place.

One of the first houses we stop at is Zach's, he seems to be a very important member of the community, a co-ordinator of sorts. If I had to guess I'd say he's a few years ahead of us, maybe 7 no more than a decade. He reminds me of the days of Serena past, blonde hair and hazel eyes with freckles on his face. He has a walkie in a utility belt that is constantly making noise.

He and Nate talk, he asks how far back we go, about Carter and 'the ever elusive Mr. Humphrey.' Dan only rolls his eyes in response which prompts a laugh out of Zach who notices Serena has taken to lifting her heavy hair up and fanning her neck with a scrap of paper she seems to have fished from his counter top. Zach has got AC running but her mane of mahogany waves is just too thick, I've got mine knotted at the crown of my head.

"May I?" He asks in a thoroughly polite, thoroughly British fashion.

Serena looks confused but eager, she has always found our abilities awe inspiring and I suspect at times is sad she did not get one.  
>Even if she is grateful to not have to live in secret or fear if she doesn't want to.<p>

He places his hand on her shoulder, clinically I notice, and Nate who is behind me digs his fingertips onto my hip bone for a split second. He is still in protector mode, all the way in a hidden valley, far away from New York. All of a sudden Serena gasps, and sighs deeply.

"Oh my god." she moans and Dan clears his throat.

"B, you have to feel this." She yanks his fingers onto my forearm and suddenly it feels like I am inside a refrigerator.

"Oh, wow." I exclaim significantly more subdued but every bit as impressed.

Dan begins to explain to Nate "Zach is uh..."

"The yin to my friend's yang." Zach cuts off smoothly. "I came here for the very weather that makes it harder for Dan I'm afraid, the high heat helps me tame my ability. I also am never really as put out as anyone else."

Nate, always good with putting one and two together exclaims at this, "Wait so that isn't AC we feel?"

"No Sir, it is not."

* * *

><p>You have to stop yourself from swearing inwardly when firstly, Blair spots the watchtower and secondly you see that Melody is on shift.<p>

"What's this place?" Blair points with one hand, shading her eyes with the other.

You take note of the joy that flits across both Nate and Serena's face every time an utterance flows past her lips before responding.

"What is it you have to keep watch for?"

The watchtower is high to the furthest east of the compound, on a steep incline. You pause, looking at it in the afternoon sun before answering. You tell them the truth, trying to ignore Waldorf's intense gaze, scrutinizing everything you say and do in this moment. While registering alters hasn't been enforced, the government turns a blind eye to private hunts. You're all of you probably the safest you can be here, but not safe period.

You tell them everyone has a shift, every adult over the age of 18 does. That their time will come, each of them.

They understand, and accept this.

Melody comes down at this point, "New arrivals Daniel?"

"Yup. From my neck of the woods." You reply flatly. She either finds out now or later.

They introduce themselves and she holds Blair's hand for a fraction longer than the other two. Taking in her hair.

"This is gorgeous." she says, her eyes look to you as you look away.

"Hah." Blair intones dryly, "Thanks."

Nate and Serena strike up conversation with her and you make your way to a rocky path that begins to the left of the tower, Blair comes to stand beside you in silence.

She eventually notices it; the entrance to the caves.

She sighs. "Sunday."

Maybe. Is all you say. The weather can change.


	4. Act iv

**This chapter was a long one, hang in there guys! Really appreciate the love xoxo. Hopefully the build up is worth it! As always if anyone wants to view this in proper formatting it can always be found on one of the other sites in my profile either on the same day or within a day or two of me posting here. **

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><p>Dan finds me the next day, behind the house as I press my hands against the solar powered engine that feeds to the water system.<p>

"Heads up. Serena? Not thrilled about the caves."

Jesus, I hadn't wanted to tell them too long before I was to go, I knew they'd not be thrilled. Dan is particularly gruff today, it is one of the most subtle changes of all that I've taken note of since we've gotten to Australia.

We all have changed in some way or the other, Nate has become more bold, confident, sure and determined. Serena has lost a great deal of her quiet strength, and with it has gone her need for a conventional relationship.

She needs more than one person to lean on.

I have become, quiet, withdrawn and guilty. Burdened.

Dan? He is angry, he is abrasive, he hides it well, favouring us with old patterns.

Familiar interactions, that Nate and Serena seem to gobble up happily, the latter more so. But he carries with him the same seething guilt I sometimes feel bubble up inside me. His voice has changed too, it is raspier somehow - I guess when you smoke regularly it is a predictable side effect. Serena is also evidence to this fact.

Mostly... he is lonely.

He looks curiously at my hands and offers me nothing more than a lift of his chin followed by a head shake as an inquiry. I roll my eyes and point one hand, my right, which is furthest from him away at nothing and shoot a beam of white light out my palm.

He jumps, and looks at the burning impression I've left in a tree trunk and then asks shortly, "Excess energy?"

"Duh." I grouse back.

He opens his mouth, then shuts it quickly and then the walkie talkie beeps. "Go ahead, Dan here."

Zach asks if he can sit in in his place at a council meeting and he agrees and looks up at me expectantly.

"Fine." is all I say.

We begin to make our way down, and he asks me "So what are you gonna do? Why _**didn't**_ you say anything to them by the way?"

"You said the weather could change, if I wait till closer to the day, it's less time I have to deal with them not wanting me to leave even though I may accidentally kill them." It's super bitter, my tone that is, and he laughs dryly.

"Yeeaah... I dunno how the fuck you do it." It's a loaded statement.

He pulls a cigarette out from somewhere, and I am glad to be downwind of him, he then proceeds to surprise me by asking "Is this ok?"

I nod and keep walking, wanting to ask him what he meant before when he speaks up.

"I killed 4 innocent people when I discovered my alterism, decided after I got over the guilt a year later I couldn't get close to anyone anymore, esp a norm. Had a few disastrous flings but I just... it's more pressure than it is pleasure at this point."

I don't have a response, or a complex where Nate and Serena are concerned. We are too far past the point of codependency and I know this. Just then, up ahead a door opens and that girl from the watchtower - Melody steps out. She sees us and is a study of practised composure while she waits.

Dan swears under his breath and thinks I don't hear it, interesting.

"Good day." she says too cheerily, the edges of her smile threatening to collapse on themselves.

I wave, Dan says her name shortly.

"Council meeting?" She asks.

"Yup. You sitting in?"

"Taking notes."

It's like they're trying to out do each other in the areas of fragmented speech and awkward pauses.

"Is Blair taking part or just observing today?"

"Observing I guess." I answer.

"Well I'm sure when the time comes you'll be a vital addition." She sneaks a look at Dan then at the path ahead of us, clearly wondering if she has to walk with us the whole way.

"And why is that?" They both were not expecting me to speak.

"Huh?" she replies dumbly, it gets warm, no doubt Humphrey is getting anxious.

"Why are you sure?"

"Oh...um...just it's always good to have another Alter on the board...obviously."

"Obviously." she's lying but I let it drop.

"I uh forgot something so I'll see you guys in there?"

We leave and once her door closes all Dan says when I raise a brow is, "Disastrous fling number 2."

* * *

><p>Carter Baizen has managed to grow on you.<p>

Every other month give or take, when he docks he stays for a week and somehow - when you weren't looking you'd wager – the two of you have become friends.

He hands you a cigar, insisting that you do something good for yourself for a change, a claim you find hilarious because since when is smoking _anything_ good for you?

It's late at night and he's grilling meat on an old BBQ he's brought back with him this time, and well you gotta admit you've missed this. It's been 2 months since you and Melody called it quits, it's likely that Zach has told Carter that you've been in full out pariah mode and they've taken it upon themselves to stick you with the old buddy camping routine.

The three of you are "being men" in the outback.

"Oh shit I almost forgot!" Carter shoves the spatula he's wielding in your hand (hot end first because well you won't feel it) and runs over to a duffel bag he left in the bed of your truck.

Zach meets him halfway unable to contain his curiosity, "Fireworks!" he exclaims.

It's a holiday weekend, the Queen's birthday, so you can totally get away with what draws more attention than you would ordinarily risk.

You ask, sarcasm lifting your words, if he is 12 and he grins back the cigar in his own mouth sticking straight out to the side.

"Think fast." he throws them at you and you raise one hand catching a row of giant firecrackers in your hand, heating them before launching them away like a baseball.

Zach howls in appreciation and comments on your form, "Looks like you missed out at a career in the pros Danny Boy!"

By the time food is served, you each have about 4 beers in you and Carter brings Melody up, "So spill Humphrey, what gives? I'm tired of getting all my info from every where but the source."

You groan and ask just how many people have been filling him in and he laughs easily, "Not that many, I promise I'm just nosy."

You tell him you don't know where to begin, but if you were honest you'd been feeling it coming from the time she got burnt when she was sleeping next to you. You'd wanted to call it quits then and there and resented her for putting you in a position where you could do it again.

"Come on man she knew the risks." Carter supplies.

You tell him he sounds like her, he only shrugs.

That's not all you say, you tell them she'd started getting casual about birth control, and when you brought up not wanting to pass on your bio code she didn't seem to see the issue. This gets a low whistle and head shake from Zach, Carter is also shocked but says nothing.

Besides you add how much time do we all have left anyway? The planet is on a crash course.

Carter is quiet and 5 minutes later he asks, "What about the flip side?"

You look at him confused, you weren't aware the drastic environmental changes would stop anytime soon. You ask him what he means.

"Well... it may not be the highest percentage but we can't ignore science man, there's the consideration that when all is said and done, you and Zach have at least got a shot of surviving when Melody and I...well we've got zero."

* * *

><p>In what should have not surprised Humphrey one bit but really serves to make him super uncomfortable, Serena and Melody have become fast friends. It's Friday and he comes back from a trip to gather vegetables from the greenhouse all huffy and has set about slamming doors in the kitchen. Nate is helping me charge batteries that Zach has been collecting over the past 2 years in his shed, something he insists I do so I don't ache and I suspect also to drain me so I will consider staying with them come Sunday.<p>

After the 5th door slams, Nate gives me a curious look and I respond with my patented _'oh no you don't – leave me out of this.'_ glance and fix one of my hands to an old, large battery. I'm not sure what it's for, it's too small to be for a car but definitely not anything Duracell has made.

"Uuuhh Dan?" Dan stops his rampage, and comes to stand under the archway between both rooms.

He stares blankly waiting for Nate to speak again.

"You okay man?"

"Does it look like I am?" Nate bites his lip and arches a brow, like I said – grumpy.

"I just left Serena and Melody being all chummy down at the greenhouse." he says tersely.

Nate stares at him confused which leads to Dan looking at me, surprise evident in his features. "You kept that to yourself?"

I shrug and reach for a container of cell phone batteries of various sizes.

When I sneak a look back at him, there is a softness that says – 'thank you.' Whatever, it's not that big of deal considering um I don't really talk to anyone.

He walks over to a cabinet I never noticed and opens it to reveal liquor and lots of it before coming over and sitting opposite Nate who is in the chair next to where I am on the floor and sighs.

"Ok... so." he is interrupted by me clearing my throat and looking at his glass pointedly.

A beat passes and Nate chuckles before saying affectionately, "atta girl."

Dan hands me his glass and goes to retrieve another one smiling all the while before proceeding to fill Nate and I in on the entire _Melody debacle_

"So you're saying basically you were too worried about hurting her?" Nate asks

Dan, who looks very tired, nods once and lets his head loll back on his chair while blowing small blue flames upwards. I would accuse him of showing off if it wasn't evident this is a habit borne of stress.

Nate frowns, clearly not getting it.

"You wouldn't get it." I say then, it's the first time I've spoken all day and Nate doesn't even try to hide his shock.

"You can't hurt anyone Nate, you can hold Serena as close to you as you want and she will always continue breathing."

"...Blair." he's pulling me up to him in seconds.

I didn't say what I said to be comforted but I know resisting his attempt will hurt him unnecessarily, he needs to protect me a lot more than I need it.

Dan adds dryly, "Also, thanks to your ability, both Blair and I don't really have to worry to much about hurting **you** do we?"

Nate looks between us then. He is silent under many realizations in that moment.

"Well...I guess I can't really empathize can I?"

"Nope." we both say, it doesn't carry any bitterness for a change.

* * *

><p><em><span>Martha's Vineyard<span>_

We only have 3 neighbours here.

An older couple, and a former Dr from the south.

Ted and Gloria are very reclusive but whenever Gloria bakes she sends him with treats for us. It's a nice gesture that never ever goes un-reciprocated when Serena cooks too much food for 3.

Logan visits us with semi regularity. He is about 45 and chases his demons with bourbon that he always has on hand in a flask he keeps on his person. He isn't an alter but his wife and kids were, they were taken away before the vineyard became a graveyard.

He hasn't been able to leave their home, hoping they will some way, somehow escape and return.

He is out for a walk one morning and enters via the kitchen to find us trying to nurse a far from lucid Serena. This is after a sky patrol caused us to spend the night hiding in the tunnel below the house while she remained up on the surface. I am running a cold rag over her face while Nate tenderly coos at her for drinking some green tea.

"Hey. Come back to us ok?" He kisses her lips once after she is done.

She ignores him and instead looks at me, "You don't own Constance Blair, you've always been threatened by me."

I dip the rag back in the small basin of ice water and ignore her when Logan speaks up.

"Can I talk to you two for a second?"

Nate presses the mug into Serena's hand and I tuck her hair behind her ear giving her a soft kiss on her cheek before following them into the living room. Logan asks a few questions, this is the second time he has experienced her not lucid.

Eventually he asks, "Any idea if she was ever diagnosed with bi-polar disorder?"

Nate begins to speak and I cut him off, "Yes but most people didn't know, just her mother, brother and me."

He is crestfallen that she managed to keep this from him, that or that he didn't notice. He almost immediately after my admission walks out the room and returns to the kitchen leaving just two of us in the parlour. Logan forges on, the awkward moment clearly being something he doesn't want to deal with.

"Hate to break it to you guys but she may be experiencing severe manic episodes and or hallucinations because of the stress of everything that has happened in the last few years. Nobody would blame her – not everyone can deal with everything life throws at us"

I never relay the rest of the conversation to Nate. If he wanted to know he could ask me anytime and he never does.

* * *

><p>8 months into your relationship with Melody you have your first big fight. It starts with you one day, when she is heading down to the Meeting Hall telling her you got all her stuff together for her. When you lean in to kiss her goodbye she's stiff as a dick full of viagra. You ask her what's the matter and she looks at the box of stuff then back at you.<p>

"Are you fucking serious?"

You ask her if you were wrong in thinking she needs this stuff and she bristles, "You just don't want me leaving stuff here."

You roll your eyes, you don't even know why she's behaving like this and say that to her and begin to walk off telling her that you don't see anything wrong with this thought process. After all you guys aren't room mates.

The door slams behind her on her way out.

When you stop by her place that night she steps out onto her front step instead of letting you in and you're confused as to why she's still mad. What is the big deal?

"Danny...we've been goin' together for a while now. When are you going to let me inside that fortress around your heart?"

Oh for fuck sakes.

'Mel.' you sigh and lean against the cool wall of her house.

You guys go for a drive, there's a cold clear river about 30 minutes drive away and you really need to take the edge off. The two of you talk the whole way there, she hits all the points you hate talking about; where is this going? Why are you so closed off? Do you love me? Can you love anyone?.

By the time you pull up to the river you get out, peel your shirt off and jump in going all the way under without a word.

Melody has been sweating her ass off in the car with you the duration of the drive and respects your urgent need to get in. She eventually joins you and once you've calmed down you tell her this isn't easy for you, that you aren't good at this sort of thing anymore. That you were getting to a point wherein after you left New York you were on the road to beginning to love again but then the girl you'd been dating died in a fire you caused.

She takes this all in and says pleadingly, "Why don't you ever talk to me about New York? If this is actually going to be different you gotta share with me Dan...aren't you tired of being alone?"

And yeah - you are so you relent. You ask her what she wants to know.

"Well for one...who was she?"

You tell her you've already told her about Rory who you met in Thailand and was with you in Malaysia when you first presented your ability.

"No no, not Rory, you didn't love her either. Who was the last woman you ever let yourself love?"

So that night, you tell her all about Blair Waldorf.


	5. Act v

**AN: Very little Dan POV in this chapter. Sorry for the delay, blame a busy month at work and a few bouts of writers block. I also unwisely started going down the rabbit hole and working on a piece for another fandom so my attention is now being split. Ooops! Anyway as always thanks for all the feedback! ❥❥❥**

* * *

><p>Saturday night is very cold, I go into our things and fish out a sweater unable to believe Dan when he tells me as good as it feels it is one of the first signs of Hot Lightning.<p>

He says if it takes a sharp turn in the middle of the night we're screwed.

I'm very, very drained. Nate has had me running on almost empty, I've agreed to wait as long as I can and see if he can keep me muted for the duration of the storm. I asked him about Dan because I don't see how he can work for both of us and not burn out himself. His response is a mumble about working his ability's muscles more often and it's about time.

Dan's response to this was to tell me to dress warmly because it's cold in the caves and Zach usually freezes two giant wooden barrels – minimum - of water in an effort to keep him cool.

I asked him then if Zach couldn't help him in any way and he told me that if the air was too dry he is usually very little help to Dan himself.

Later still, at about 11 pm, Serena dashes out to talk to Carter on the radio that Zach has in his attic, this seems prearranged but it is new to me as I seem to be the only one surprised by this. When she kisses us both goodbye quickly I've only just joined Nate on one of the two Queens in our large room that is on the opposite end of the house from Dan's room.

I have , since we've moved here, wondered if he did this on purpose.

"Did you know about this?" I ask when I hear the 'clack' of the front door some 3 minutes later.

"She'd mentioned it in passing a few days ago, you don't approve?" He puts the tablet in his hand on his lap and turns his full attention on me.

I mull it over and then shrug, "I guess it's not really a problem at all."

"Given the state S has been in this past year, and all we've been through I think something familiar is good for her – plus you know she needs a lot more than either of us to keep her grounded."

He brushes a strand of particularly dark blue hair of mine out my face and then speaks again, "Plus…Carter is safe."

The implicit suggestion is not lost on me, _they are both of them norms_.

Nate has spent all day resting and meditating, earlier while making dinner with Dan he inquired a bit about his ability in preparation. Dan unlike myself almost never runs low, his ability is a wild animal he says plainly and tells Nate he hasn't been able to get his hopes up.

He says thank you to him all the same when they sit out on the deck and dig into the Sesame noodles they made for us.

I lean on his chest briefly and snuggle into the thick NYU hoodie he's wearing, I don't think I have much fight left in me and expect to be asleep inside the hour.

"Mmm you smell good." he says, all mellow around the edges.

I angle my head so I can see him but remain pressed into him, "Thank Humphrey's girlfriends of Christmas past, I still haven't found my shampoo."

He chuckles at this and then says lowly and dangerous, "It's a good thing I've got to keep my energy high or I'd have to bury myself in every part of you to get a better whiff."

I fight back a giggle and ask dead pan, my face straight, "Wait does this mean you want to make it with Melody?"

He tickles me mercilessly for that one.

I let him and maybe even lock my ankles behind his back and buck my hips up into him a little bit.

He kisses me breathlessly and then whispers, "Jesus… go to sleep. Before I can't stop myself."

I pout a little but eventually roll over, and keep my back pressed into his thigh while he sits up against the headboard and retrieves the tablet.

As I drift off to sleep and think about everything that the next 24 hrs could hold my mind travels back to Thursday.

/

We ate dinner on the deck that night, shared drinks, laughs, memories and glances. Serena early on in the night references Inside, and nobody, not one of us saw this coming. I don't think the rest of us tried to for too long linger on that plot point in our journey so far. Dan bemoans her for bringing it up and she really only it seems mentions it as a jumping point to inquire about his love for the art of writing. Nate falls into the conversation easily while I am battling to disguise my intense discomfort.

I had already entered into what I thought was an unspoken arrangement with Humphrey the minute I got here that was this; we will not unless absolutely dire acknowledge our shared history.

Dan's only evidence of his own dis ease is that the temperature rises more than what wine and or liquor could do.

Serena asks him if he has a copy in the bungalow and he confesses one is floating about somewhere. She goes over to his shelves then, leaving the rest of us to try and move on.

And by us I mean Nate trying to distract Dan from how ramrod stiff I am sitting next to him on the futon.

Serena eventually falls asleep, draped on a very torn Dan, it takes me some time but I remember our conversation about Melody. I begin to consider he is caught between a pre-existing fondness and love for the woman in his lap but is wholly consumed by a fear that he will hurt her.

When he gets up and excuses himself to put her in our room, Nate turns on me, his voice low as if Humphrey's got super hearing or something.

"Blair, you can't seriously still be uptight about the two of you from years ago…what happened to this being a fresh start?"

I look at Nate then and icily reply, "Very little is fresh about the 4 of us Nathaniel – come on."

He rolls his eyes and downs the rest of the amber liquid in his tumbler before shooting me a sideways glance, "I'm officially out of it, the two of you will only be able to do this dance for so long."

I'm about to let him have it when we hear Dan's voice before we see him, coming from the hallway, "You guys want dessert?"

I chose that time to escape onto the deck while they prep the pie that was sent up from one of the other houses and Nate got the ice cream out of the freezer.

_What_ dance?

/

I roll over, on the precipice of sleep and mumble at Nate, my lids half closed. "Doesn't that book still bother you?"

He is completely blind sided by the mention of this topic, "Blair…"

"Well doesn't it?"

Nate pauses then -clearly editing the fuck of whatever he is about to say to me which is weird - and finally cryptically settles on; "Dan and I reached an understanding a long time ago"

I don't bother to ask him to elaborate because I know, just from his body language that he won't even if I do.

When I wake up out of my sleep a couple hours later, I am boiling inside the sweater I put on earlier and alone in bed. Realizing what this means I am suddenly filled with a weight that starts in my chest and extends with every passing second. I pull myself out of bed in spite of the screams of exhaustion that I feel in my muscles knowing this will make it easier for Nate a little later.

I get to the living room to find Nate sitting in silence, staring out into the night, he is now topless and wearing thin cotton pj pants . I pull my sweater off and am about to speak when Serena and Zach come through the door urgently.

"Where is he?" It's Zach.

Nate replies, "In his room, I couldn't even touch his doorknob at first. I dunno if I'm helping."

Zach replies firmly, "**Trust** me – you are. Between the two of us, we can keep this contained until the sun comes up – you alright so far Blair?"

I send him a nod before looking down the hall at Dan's room right before plans start being made.

"Ok Serena I need you to run down to Melody's home, tell her to get Raven on barrel duty, Nate you come with me, I need to get in there and um… just kind of adapt the environment a little bit and make sure he's not in a fever sleep. Blair, be a lamb and get two bowls and bring them in to be filled please."

Neither Nate nor myself are prepared for what we find in Dan's room. He is on the floor, right near his bathroom, curled up with only a thin sheet draped over him. Nate exclaims and rushes over cautiously prodding him with one finger, Zach seems impressed by this and turns to me asking if I overheat as well.

I again only offer him a nod.

Dan looks awful, his hair is plastered to his neck and forehead, he is soaking wet covered in sweat. He won't wake. Nate shakes him a few times after he has helped ebb the heat that is rolling off his too still form, then pats his cheek. He looks to Zach who gestures for them to switch before rolling the sleeves up on the long sleeved linen shirt he is wearing.

"Danny?" he rubs his hands together shortly before placing both on Dan's chest and looking to me. "Blair? The water please."

We spend the rest of the night making sure to keep his room damp. Water sits in containers on every surface and Zach freezes about half of them. Dan came to about ten seconds after Zach put his hands on him. He gasps loud and hard like he's coming up from under a body of water. He seems relieved to see all of us but levels me with a look before simply uttering "I'm sorry."

"It's ok." I return tiredly. Nate gives me a small sad smile as well.

I try desperately to distract myself with what needs to be taken care of in the next few hours, Nate finds me dragging to two coolers of food Dan told me would be for us when we go down. There is also a box labelled 'SUPPLIES' in his neat scrawl out on the deck. I am moving them all into view for the others load on the truck. Dan and Nate will go on the last trip and I will walk on foot.

Nate appears then, surveying my work, "Eddy will be up with the truck soon, anything from our room you still need?"

As I'm thinking he bites his lip and rubs his hands all over his stubble, "Blair we haven't seen even a single strike of lightning… please…"

In my darkest moments, I time and time again who needs me to survive more between Nate and Myself.

"Zach says it's not an in and out kinda deal Nate, once he goes in they're gonna seal the entrance."

By 3pm it will be 45 degrees Celsius.

Nate's head falls and even as I am thinking of how best to comfort him he closes the space between us grabbing me, his fear pouring out of him. "I'm going to be in the tower."

I pull away and hold his face then, "What about Serena?"

"Carter is getting here this evening. Said something about always being here for this? I have no idea.."

And Nate's confusion in that moment as well as Serena's absence are I need to confirm it; in the midst of the panic they've forgotten that it's my favourite holiday

I'm more thankful than I am disappointed.

Dan comes out then, a wet, cold towel draped over his bare back while his hair is raked straight back. He spares us a glance then keeps his eyes on me – heavy as ever.

"Waldorf, Nate and myself make the first trip down, they'll bring you last, I guess if you want you can find Serena before we go into lockdown."

I hear in his words what he doesn't say then, _It's not safe enough for me to go see her myself._

"Was already planning to Humphrey." _I'll take care of it._

The smile he returns doesn't reach his eyes.

The truck speeds off and sends dust everywhere, I go back inside then and take a few deep breaths willing myself not to let it get to me that I am to spend possibly 48 hours in a cave with Dan Humphrey.

Some Thanksgiving.

I begin the 15 minute walk in silent contemplation, a few curtains shut extra fast when I walk by. I feel like I should be more offended instead of just numb and complacent. I find Serena at a house we've always walked by before, Carter is one step below her, he sees me first and trots out to give me a hug.

"It sounds scarier than it is Champ." he holds my chin between his thumb and forefinger and grins.

I offer him a small smile and then I feel Serena's arms go around my neck from behind, she takes a deep breath of me and trails soft kisses on my head, temple, cheek, shoulders and then steps around me to press our foreheads together and rub our noses.

"S I'll be alright." I have no idea if this is true, only that I have to say it to her. For her sake not mine.

* * *

><p>You and Nate are sitting alone on a wide flat rock, barely speaking when the first bolt of lightning flashes across the sky. To your left Zach has a hose in his right fist and his left hand presses at a thick wall of ice he is in the middle of creating. It is 6 feet deep.<p>

The sky is a dull grey, the lightning performs the task of brightening the way a lamp beside an open window would.

It's subtle but brighter.

Nate looks brokenly at you and starts speaking in a low hoarse whisper. His blue eyes are wild and you wonder just how bad the storm that knocked Blair out was. He tells you at her worst she burns at the touch you assure him that's not a problem for you. This is the only time he pauses, he gives you a once over then and clearly thinks something he decides against sharing. He tells you when she burns long enough there will be fire but it's different than regular flames, it's unique to her. He says that this only happens if a bolt strikes her directly, asks you again about the wall of ice, will it keep?

You tell him Zach has never done one this thick before, that you asked it be double the usual to keep her safe.

By the time the last three words leave your mouth you are standing now, facing Nate, an inch if at all is between the two of you. He looks at your face, your mouth directly after the words leave you and then his eyes tell you that to to him – this admission is an oath.

And you're not worried because that is how you meant it.

The two of you hug, one of his hands holds behind your neck and he says softly, "Yeah… Dan.. you do that – keep her safe."

'Of course.' is all you say in return.

It is 11am when she turns the corner, the two of you have to go in before the midday sun reaches any higher. Lightning cracks again, she stills and closes her eyes and beside you Nate tenses… next thing you know you feel cooler. His ability could do amazing things if researched with the right people you think idly.

Blair opens her eyes, no doubt feeling the same relief you do and makes the rest of the walk while tying up her blue tresses. She carries a large tote bag over her shoulder, some of her more personal artifacts you'd wager.

"Let's get this nightmare over with."

She doesn't even notice you and Nate's proximity and bursts between the two of you all determined and shit. Nate, ever the paragon of patience catches her elbow and pulls her around catching her off guard. She looks ready to snap at him, and reminds you so much of the girl you fell for which makes it a little weird when Nate's mouth seals over her own.

And if you're honest, nowhere near as weird as it should be.

She goes limp, you wonder if it's his ability literally encasing her or if this is just his effect on her… probably both. Nate is like this for all of you now – a calming sort of beacon.

Like a lighthouse standing firm on a rocky and rough shore.

Zach calls out to you then, time to go inside he says.

* * *

><p>There are lanterns hanging from about a dozen metal hooks that have been drilled into the rock. The sound of water trickling comes in different speeds, at different volumes but never stops. There's a blind corner ahead and I follow it to find along camping cot opposite a harvest table. Our stuff is in a pile at one end and the other ¾ of the surface is empty.<p>

When I walk back the way I came I notice for the first time a narrow passage way that has blackness on the other side of it. I light my hand up just shy of an energy burst and hold it up like a flash light. Nothing but black cold water rains down from somewhere else.

Dan sees me, "That's my er…the…makeshift shower. I use it to cool down sometimes, you're welcome to it if it helps."

"Thanks." I say shortly.

I'm freezing, I walk back over to the thick wall of ice and look into it's grey blue depths. I see the dim outline that I know is Nate – not ready to leave me. This wall is beautiful despite how wet and stiff it makes me feel.

There are barrels everywhere, some with water, some frozen. I let my hair fall, unable to believe that ten minutes ago I put it up and felt like my skin would melt off. Here, now it feels like a winter's day back home.

Dan is still in small shorts and barefoot.

He starts heading to where the bed is and then remembers he is not alone, "Blair… you.. uh…need anything?"

The words sound so gruff, I know he is tired but it still is so strange to hear him sound this way. Truth is I don't know what I need, this is unfamiliar and scary – being here – being alone with him.

Thunder rumbles over head.

I take too long to answer and he walks over and reaches out his hand to me, "Come."

His hand feels pleasant and I wonder what the rest of him feels like now that I don't have to worry about being scalded but I dare not find out. I am too afraid to give in, to give a name to what I've been feeling for the last 3 days. I curl up inside Nathaniel and ignore the other boy's hinting words, or his questions about what makes it so easy for me to speak to Dan and no one else.

He hoists me up easily onto the table, without asking, an annoyance I cling to stubbornly.

After opening one of the coolers he stops, looks at me evenly. One hand is on the lid the other on his hip while he decides if to move forward.

"So uh… the thing is… I mean I was thinking….fucking hell - here." he reaches in and then shoves a small tin into my hand. It is about 7 inches in diameter.

I open it tentatively and find… a small pumpkin pie.

My emotions immediately go haywire. Why would he do this? What the fuck is wrong with this man? I am dimly aware that I'm asking all the wrong questions right before we both hear a sickening thud strike the wall at the cave's entrance. I put the pie down and my breath becomes strained but I refuse to speak, be near him or even look at him. My mind fills with words my tongue pushes back down inside me.

_Let me out! How could you? What do you want me to say huh? Sorry I ran back to old habits, sorry about Chuck? That you were better for me? That my dad liked you more? Don't you think I know that?_

Nate's voice is a muffled bubbling sound, he is risking his life standing there. If a bolt comes at me the ice is a possible conductor.

Angry-Dan has completely disappeared which just upsets me more, did he know this would trigger me? What does he get out of this? I tug the zipper on my sweater down harshly, I don't know if I am heating up from the inside out or if this is because he has gotten nearer to me.

His fingers close around my wrist and I jump, I am not used to anyone daring to touch me when I am like this, "Blair….Blair look at me…."

His hands touch my head, this is the most contact we've had since I've been here, he pushes my locks back and brings his hands on either side of my head. My ears feel hot from under my hair where his hands rest.

"I'm really sorry about your dad ok? I just know… today… that you wouldn't have wanted to…just… Happy Thanksgiving."

There's an earnest apology in his voice, he **didn't** realise how bad I would get. And though it takes me a while - I hear a whisper in my mind.

_He remembered you when no one else did._

I let him guide me under the "shower" and even let him take off my t shirt and he stays with me under the frigid trickle until my sobs subside.

He is a good kind of warm.


	6. Act vi

** AN: A round of applause to you readers, for liking, reviewing or following this piece on the different platforms I share it on. I think it's understood but needs to be said that your actual reviews when they happen are like a surge of motivation to keep going & that this isn't some solo narcissist task I'm undertaking. That other people are enjoying it. And well... that means the world. **

**Thanks as always for your patience, & don't forget to adjust those margins! ;)**

* * *

><p><span>Manhattan<span>

The last time you see Nate before Australia is the day before you leave New York forever. When you hear the knock at the door, you wait for a full 15 seconds trying to figure out who could be at the door.

When you pull it ajar he roughly pushes his way in and the two of you proceed to have a monumental confrontation.

It's funny how now, years in the future, you will look back on what at the time seemed like a kinda shitty way to leave things with nothing but fondness. Simply because this is the last time you are both normal.

It has been 3 months since Blair has left you.

"What the fuck dude? You were just going to leave without saying anything?"

You ask him who told him before remembering he still keeps in touch with Jenny. You tell him it's easier and yes you were leaving on a plane the next night, you in that moment think out loud that though you knew some people would consider this a dick move you never thought he of all people would be this upset.

"Why wouldn't I be? This is a complete overreaction - so Blair is on her insecure choices tip again ...so what?" You sigh heavily and tell him your mind is made up.

He asks where you're going and you refuse to tell him. This makes him angrier. He says he never thought you'd be such a coward. You tell him you thought he of all people would understand.

"Come again?" He whispers it dangerously and gets up in your face.

You roll your eyes and push him away from you before telling him you are not insulting his honour merely pointing out that the two of you are the only ones who share this unique view. That you are the only two ever to sit in this boat you currently occupy. You have both been left, for Chuck Bass by Blair Waldorf

He steps back then and deflates somewhat, "Oh... right."

You ask him if it were him what he would do. "Well I wouldn't be so dramatic, but I suppose I'm used to the whole merry go round thing with her man. And I'd rather be nearby in case she needs me. She's one of my best friends."

You see, not the for the first time, something in Nathaniel Archibald that you so desperately wish was in you.

He helps himself to a beer from your fridge and as an afterthought grabs one for you as well. You take a few sips in silence before you ask him what he thinks, if he honestly thinks Chuck is the one for Blair.

He looks at you briefly and gets up and goes over to your window propping himself against the frame. He looks a lot older in that moment before choosing his words carefully.

"I think Blair makes Chuck the best man he'll ever be but _she's_ **better** off without him."

He turns his head up and eyes you while drinking a long swig then says slyly, "What does my opinion matter? I heard her dad visited you a week after it happened... besides what do I know about this stuff _**I'm**_ super gay."

The reference to your book eases the blow of mentioning her dad's visit and it provokes a genuine laugh out of you.

You tell him that maybe his raging homosexuality in the book is all a smokescreen for the fact that he's not just the pretty face every one thinks he is. He quirks his lips at this statement. You add that for the record you can tell that he seems very OK with everyone underestimating him and that this is exactly why you left it out of the book.

He smirks at you then, looking equal parts an angel and demon, "Thanks for keeping my secrets."

You join him at the window and clink your bottles together and simply say 'Anytime.'

He sighs heavily after a few minutes of the comfortable silence unique to the two of you passes, "Really Dan? This is it? Blair's actions are going to affect the rest of us without our consent?"

You mumble a dark, somewhat raw apology.

When Nate leaves that night you share a long, firm hug, you feel the side his lips ghost along your jaw and his goodbye is quiet and small in your ear. Close but yet far, determined not to relive past levels of tenderness.

He's hurt.

_iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_

After you subside Blair's mini breakdown you give her privacy to change and somehow the entire interaction has managed to drain you. You sit down out in the front near the entrance and prop your back up against one of the barrels of ice.

You don't expect to fall asleep.

Water, warmish water, startles you awake as it rolls down your back. You have melted the contents in your sleep. Water runs under your legs as well as still more of the wall steadily melts. You're confused that Blair didn't see fit to wake you so you get up and round the corner with the intention to change into a dry pair of boxers when you see why. Your heart begins to race, she has passed out on the cot, one of her legs still dangling off the side and she has her arms through a sweater that has never made it over her head.

You stick your hand on a bowl of ice on a ledge above your head to cool off before placing your ear to her chest. Her heartbeat is slow, her lips are ever so slightly blue. If you had to guess, you'd say she was actually as tired as you but passed in less than ideal temperatures before managing to finish getting dressed.

There's only one thing to do.

* * *

><p>I don't remember falling asleep is the first confused thought I have. My face is buried deep in a thick comforter that I don't remember being on either one of the beds in our room. I feel like a groggy burrito, I don't know if Nate or Serena is... and that's when my brain catches up to the present.<p>

Dan.  
>The caves.<br>The pie.

My eyes fly open and all I see for a few seconds is darkness, There is a strong heat radiating under me and I realise I am half covering Dan's reclined form with the blanket between us. He's got a lumpy towel covering his eyes and as I begin to see more clearly I see the telltale mist of heat and ice interacting above it.

When he speaks, I startle so hard I begin to roll off the edge and his arm easily, casually comes up and rolls me back into him.

"You almost froze to death – not to be dramatic or anything."

He picks up the rag and I hear a low hiss, he seems to be overheating and is doing everything to keep himself safe for my benefit. I make a confused searching expression and he pulls us back a little and halfway sits up.

"You passed out before you finished bundling up properly. Your face was blue and you heart rate actually dropped. Am I too hot?"

I shake my head and take a few extra moments to reorient myself.

I don't mean to ask what I blurt out, it slips past my lips perhaps because my mental process is still working out the cobwebs and kinks, "Are you mad?"

Dan looks incredibly confused and a little worried at this line of questioning, he clears his throat and pops one of the chunks of ice that's in the rag in his mouth before beginning to move us again. He sits himself up, swings his legs over but adjusts the blanket around me more and leaves me astride his lap, one of his arms is behind my back holding me near.

Our positioning is awkward just like everything about us.

"Blair why would I be mad at you?"

"I have no idea, I just remembered our first day here you said you get hot if you're mad."

His head falls and he chuckles into the general direction of his lap, it is one of the first times he looks like _my_ Dan and it knocks the metaphorical wind out of me. My heart speeds up and I am afraid he can hear it here in the emptiness of the cave.

"Everything intense makes me get hot Blair, anger, anxiety, grief, tension – sexual or otherwise, fear... if it feels heavy or invasive or speeds my heart rate up I overheat."

I sit and ponder over his admission, it causes me to repaint a few of the scenarios under which he has gotten hot, it is all up for debate now. Is he as angry as I previously thought him to be? Or is it a tepid bitterness? Frustration? I don't know.

I don't say anything for a while and his head falls back against the cool rocks, his eyes remain closed and he eats some more ice.

He speaks again when he's done, his voice coming in as barely a whisper, "You know when the first signs of alterisms started happening around me I used to think the abilities were somehow affected by the kind of person you were before the vaccines. What does that say about me? Was I this awful destructive, heavy unbearable person and I had no idea?"

The last few words escape him cracked by emotion, I feel so badly for him in that moment that one of my hands sneaks out from under the comforter to touch his shoulder.

"Then what does that say about me?"

His head levels and he looks me in the eyes before speaking, "It says that you're manipulative."

The frankness of his statement is like a kick in the stomach.

"It says that you you're empathetic, that try as you might to close yourself off you can't help but absorb what's around you. That the more you try to be hard around the ones you love, the more the feelings build up inside you and you eventually explode. You've always carried your friends and family's feelings inside you Blair...and now it's energy."

He reaches out to wipe my face but pulls back at the last second and looks at his extended fingers warily. I want to tell him it's okay, that as emotional as his words just made me – I am now warm myself as I try to not let it burst out of me. I am itching to lean my face into his hand but instead I take a shuddering, steady breath and take his hand into my own warm one instead.

"Wouldn't it be so much easier for you Daniel, if instead of self-loathing – you saw yourself as you see the rest of us?"

His hand jumps a little at hearing me say Daniel and I know why - but say nothing."

"Mmm...I uh... need some ice."

This is the moment, the first time I admit to myself that - maybe - I don't want things to be cooler.

_iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_

_Manhattan_

In the early days we aren't as cautious. Vanessa is still the one who comes to get us for grocery runs. She braves the drive over and sometimes we all go but very often Nate and of course Serena go with her and then they all come back and we have dinner.

Nate and Vanessa are casually dating. Chuck is still alive, he actively works on squirreling away money and is heavily involved in the black market. His apartment's walls are lined with cash and medication and food supplies.

This day seems like every other.

But Vanessa will not come back home, and 2 months later, Chuck will be dead.  
>It's as good a plot point to mark as a catalyst of sorts as any other really.<p>

Serena is still relatively happy. So many of us are still alive so why wouldn't she be?

Nate & S leave hurriedly. Purely platonic, all laughs and boisterous talking. Vanessa can't wait to show Serena some old musical files she's found, I hear Dan Humphrey's name at one point and get tense like I always do but say nothing. I've not yet realized that the soreness I feel is because of my alterism, it has been happening on and off the last 7 weeks, accompanied by hot flashes.

So this day, I stay in. Waiting for Chuck to return home. Trying to push the memory of Humphrey deep into the recesses of my mind.

At the market, there is a random scanner raid. Nate and Serena are on the other side of the store and try to make it to Vanessa in time but she is read and snatched up easily. She kicks over a stand of tomatoes in her struggle Serena later tells me in tears, that Nate makes a sudden move to run to her but she shakes her head no as a tear escapes.

If he comes forward and is seen to be protecting her his punishment is at the discretion of the officers doing the apprehension.

Serena bites her lips and wipes at her face furiously in the moments that follow, _So Brave_ is what Nate whispers to me months later. She kisses his hand when Vanessa disappears out the front. She could turn anything in to water, sometimes I hope that at least her captors see the usefulness in her ability and keep her alive because of it.

I'm sure Nate, and probably Dan if he knows what became of his one time best friend, hope for otherwise for her than being a human guinea pig and garden hose.

I just wish less of us were dead.

* * *

><p>Could you love this girl? The first time you ask yourself this it is under a waterfall and Rory's too blue eyes are filled with mirthful tears from laughing so hard at whatever you've just shared with her. The tour you took was just shy of a disaster and you're pretty sure the guide is drunk and that the whole group is lost.<p>

She's already referenced Swiss Family Robinson and you just upped the ante with your own reference to Hannibal and she is beside herself.

You laugh a lot, you laugh long, you smile. And most importantly – you forget, often – about New York.

And when she is above you, around you, inside – you swear lights are taking flight from the inside all the way out.

The night she dies, she comes home late, bone tired after a shift at the hospital she volunteers at. You tell her you think you're coming down with something and that she should sleep on the couch. She says she is going to take a sleeping pill to help her stay resting since the sun will rise in 3 hours. She is worried that you will need her that night. You reassure her that you will make it through the night, that you both will and it's influenza not the end of the world.

You're only half right.

* * *

><p>The watch on the Dan's wrist beeps 10 times steadily and it's the hottest it's been yet. We've just eaten some of the food he's brought down, in mostly silence.<p>

Lightning is cracking outside, I can feel myself vibrate lowly, I'm a little sad and scared but nothing so serious that it makes me worse.

He looks at his watch and over at me briefly as I twist my hands unsure how best to pass the time. I suddenly feel the dull hum dim a bit and see that Dan is looking to the wall as well.

Nate is back.

Another shadowy outline appears next to him, male – only slightly taller. A series of stuttered knocks begins to sound on the ice and Dan grins lop sidedly at me and announces that he's here with Zach.

He must see my confusion and curiosity on my face because he hastily adds, "Morse code."

"You know morse code?" I intone this dryly and he laughs suddenly and short.

"Yes, special ed Humphrey has mastered the complicated concept of communication via knocking... come on." He holds his hand out to me while looking at the ice and thankfully misses the look I give his hand.

It is bordering on tender and noticeably relaxed.

"Is the storm over?" I ask and decide to let him hold my hand as long as he wants since others will not often risk touching me when I'm unstable.

He picks up a piece of metal and begins knocking on the ice then waits for Zach's reply; "The eye."

More knocking follows, "He says we should come out for a bit so he can reinforce the wall. Um... stand back."

I take two paces back and he moves me bodily back about 3 times that before turning to the wall and taking off his shirt. He cracks each side of his neck and then his skin begins to glow a light orange colour. I cannot tear my eyes away as he walks into the wall, slowly face first and the ice melts around his form. He turns his head sideways, away from my view and bends both arms at the elbow, palms facing outward on either side of his head. The ice melts at his touch, falls at his feet, somehow making me think of wax running down the sides of a candle.

He goes about 4 feet and then looks back at me, "Follow at a safe distance ok? Never ever touch me when I am this hot."

I nod and forgo a verbal response.

The moments walking through the tight human shaped ice tunnel remind me of when Zach put his hands on me in his kitchen, it's heavenly. The rush of stifling heat on the other side that assaults my skin is not expected or welcome. The first thing I see is Nate and he reaches out for me eagerly, pulling me almost roughly into a tight hug. One hand is around my waist and the other tangled in my hair as he drops two kisses on my head. I feel the hand on my head leave before a few seconds later I feel intense warmth at my right side as he, to my great surprise, pulls Dan against us.

I tense in fear because Dan - for but a second- feels unbearable and he exclaims a short blurted '_wait.' _for I imagine the same reason but then he feels normal.

"I got this." Is all Nate mumbles.

I will think, for many nights after this, about what it feels like when Dan's hand comes to rest over Nate's on my left hip.


	7. Act vii

**AN:Hello Lovelies! Golden here (lol sorry couldn't resist.) I meant to upload two - that's right, two not one - chapters tonight but I started um... idk about 3 hours late on account of getting caught up in reading on my kindle? Ooops. Sorry. Anyway I decided to fight and at least get one today. I've got to do a proper looksee for typos I may have missed so forgive anything my tired eyes miss until then. As always love and light for your continued support. Cheers xx.**

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><p>Nate pulls Blair onto his lap and grabs your hand pulling you to sit very close to them. You wonder as to how much of a strain it puts on him to contain the two of you at once. He looks tired but also relieved and happy to see the two of you unscathed. Blair is disappointed not to see Serena and asks sadly where she is, if she is not as concerned as he is. Nate takes a moment to look at her face, his own expression soft, loving and placid. You've come to recognize this as his <em>'happy blair is talking'<em> expression.

Your shoulders rub, it is pleasant and you listen to him tell Blair that he sent Serena on errands with Carter to distract her while you stare at the sky. The stars always shine brighter during Hot Lightning storms and you seldom get to see them. He goes on to say that their third paramour is positively beside herself with worry and Carter all but had to throw her over his shoulders. Blair's toes somehow end up tucked behind your knee and this moment, right now, becomes the most calm one you've had in **years**.

"She didn't set you on fire?" he takes one of your hands and turns it over in his own.

You laugh a little - as Blair mumbles 'I'm right here.' under her breath - and remind him that you are fireproof.

"You hear that B?" He pinches her in her ribs and she tries valiantly not to give in and smile but loses the battle when you wink at her.

Things have shifted a little more still.

/

3 Days after the caves I am with Serena who has insisted I come with her to Melody's for a movie night. She insists we would make fabulous friends, in a way that only her complete ignorance to the many complications of the situation will allow. Melody for her part does a better job acting naturally around me this time around since I assume she has come to think I would not have any real info about her and Dan's past.

She is long limbs, cool ash brown curls and skin that is the colour of pasteurized honey.

I feel stuck in their collective shadows as they walk up some stairs to a solarium that is at the back of her home and seems to be for entertaining. I am pleased to notice she has AC and wonder if Dan had anything to do with this since, I'd guess his ability and a glass room at high noon don't mix.

Melody has a very impressive eclectic selection and I tell her this, keeping my head down just after this announcement as Serena beams and pecks me quickly – happy that she is in her mind finding me a friend. She asks Melody for an update on her _boy situation_ with someone called Ryan and twirls my hair around her finger as my back is to her side as I pull out the occasional title.

We decide to watch **The Departed** and reminisce on when Matt Damon was still alive and well.

Melody is noticeably intrigued by Serena & I's physical interactions and I am sure many people in the community have had lots to say about 'just what goes on' up there in that bungalow. Add Humphrey's reclusive Quasimodo like antics and you've got quite a picture to discuss. I am sure Serena either doesn't notice or is too content with our new life to care, she is a phoenix, shaking off the ashes of her rebirth. She seems more like she was in the in-between. Before the hysteria, the deaths, before – just before.

Melody averts her eyes quickly after I see her looking on as Serena bends her head forward and presses a long kiss to just below my eye when I tilt my head up and ask her a funny question about her once betrothed Leo Dicaprio.

"Mmmm... I've got you guys now, fuck that."

Ever loyal, our fair Serena.

/

Nate and Zach are at Carter's working on some plans, and discussing long term strategies while the girls spend time at Melody's. You decline their invitation with a smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes and causes Nate to take two short steps to you.

"Everything ok?" His fingers tap your elbow briefly. This time when you smile it's tired but genuine.

'Just tired' is all you say and slip a cigarette out from behind your ear. He is seemingly satisfied and tells you to call him when the girls get home to which you nod. From behind him you see Carter observe you two in a all too inquisitive way, Zach is already outside.

When you go on the deck it's actually somewhat cool, you take a moment to revel in this before lighting up. Your mind eventually makes its way back to the caves and the last 24hrs in them. To say Blair has lowered her walls a little bit would be accurate. You wonder at what this means, not just between you and her but for all of you. You hate the part of you that still yearns for her after all these years while knowing that everything has changed entirely.

You know you have every reason to let go. And you have let go of a lot. But you still are unable to let go of it_all_.

That last night you fall asleep before she does and you are surprised when you feel her nudge you and climb onto the cot all wrapped up in her blanket. At first she lays with her back to you and enough time passes that your lids get heavy again, but then she whispers into the dark.

"I want you to know, that... I know we're eventually going to have to have a conversation. I get it. I'm just not ready."

She rolls over and puts her face close to yours, her eyes are more vulnerable than you've seen since you've all been reunited. She waits and looks at you.

You sigh and tell her, last you checked she wasn't much for talking and that's not a big deal to you. She weighs these words, trying to decide if it's meant in a good or bad way, so to let her know you lift your arm and ask her if she's cold.

She says no and scoots closer anyway.

\

Then – just like nothing... Somehow, you are in the loft, the loft as you remember it. The experience is jarring and confusing. You sit up, on edge, and unsure. You are wearing comfortable sweatpants, they're black and no shirt. The sun is bright outside the closed window that you can see.

You leave the living room and go to explore your old room. Your eyes and sometimes hands roam over book spines and surfaces. For some reason Cedric is in your bed, it takes you a few seconds but then you realize.

You are dreaming.

This brand of displaced dreaming has only happened since you've become an alter. You mostly dream about New York this way. Your dreams are often of memories and past events of a specific nature. They sometimes play out with minor differences, or exactly the same only... you are aware this is not real anymore.

The door slides open.

Blair breezes in, her hair is still brown. She is fully dressed up which leads you believe today is...was... a day of work for her. She spots you in the doorway and her face breaks into the most beauteous smile. You have forgotten that she could be this way... that you could make her feel this way.

"I got asked to consult on a mui mui campaign for next year!"

You only smile, trying to take in this moment.

She sheds her jacket and heels and dashes over to you and throws her arms around your neck pulling you into a kiss that makes you feel the kind of hot you now consider a curse.

You ask her if she wants anything, forgetting manners for a second. Her reply is simple.

"You."

The word comes out in a whispered breath. You remember this day.

This was a good day.

You haven't dreamt of a good day in New York in 2 years.

She pushes you onto the couch and stands over you and reaches to the side of her skirt. Ah yes. You loved this skirt, it was chartreuse – a colour you only knew by name before upper east side girls made homes of your heart – in her preferred cut; pencil. But unlike all her other pencil skirts, this one had giant brass coloured buttons that ran up the side.

As she unbuttons the 3rd one and you take in her deep plum sheer blouse you realise she is dressed for fall.

"Are you just going to stare?"

You nod and bite your lip because you know the sight of you doing that drives her crazy.

She straddles you a few seconds later, emptying her want and need into your mouth. Her hands find your hair which is a little longer, your hands pull the hem of her blouse out her skirt and slide up her back slowly. She moans a little into the kiss at the sensation. She likes how you touch her she has said.

You expertly unhook her bra without so much as a though and she smirks and nibbles your lip in response. You never could understand how this would amuse her after all the times you'd been together. But now, you smile back, and make a pleased hum as she does that magic thing girls do and slides it out one of her sleeves.

Her phone will ring soon, interrupting the beginning stages of what ends up being some of the best sex you've ever had together, it will be Serena calling to congratulate her. You will, annoyed that she has answered at all, proceed to – as punishment – slide her lace panties off and whisper in her other ear that she is not to get off the phone until Serena ends the call.

Then you will slowly, firmly and hungrily eat away at her in the best of ways while she struggles to maintain her composure during Serena's ramblings. Sweat will cover her neck and chest, her bottom lip will be plump from her biting on it to hold back little mewls. You will find the sensitive nub between her folds and suck with a gentle pressure while gliding your tongue from side to side and her eyes will roll shut as she sucks in a silent shuddering breath.

She's just pulled her blouse off her head and found your mouth again, gasping as your cold (a word you lost in the fires of the future) hands palm her breasts with a familiar ease.

"I love you." she whispers into your ear, this is when Serena is to call, before you can answer.

Only...

This is one of those dreams.

_Your_ phone rings.

Nate's face is on the screen.

Huh.

/

"Do you realize that's the first fun thing we've done without Natie in years? I mean like outside of wherever we are living at the time...like a social outing?"

It's dark, Serena is bubbly but tired. A contradiction only she can pull off organically. We're walking up the hill leaving Melody's home and she is swinging our entwined hands. I nod serenely in response. She's right, of course we have spent time without Nate in the last few years but we haven't had an a plan separate from him together longer than I can remember.

Years spent on 5th avenue seem like stories from someone else's life. Nights at supper clubs. Balls, benefits, galas... how many times did we get ready together, share lipstick and flutes of champagne?

It all seems so painfully and impossibly _long_ ago.

She pauses then and asks me whether I want to go down by the boys or go and take advantage of the alone time? She's leaning against a giant Karri tree that is the central point of four homes, we can continue up to the bungalow or veer right to pass the shorter but more difficult route to Carter's home.

I think of Nate and Humphrey outside the caves and it's a pleasant warmth like wine drank too fast but she's right. This, just the two of us, is too great to pass on. I grin and look at the bungalow and she pulls me to her using our clasped hands and begins to kiss me.

Kissing Serena is and always has been different than kissing any of the men I've shared the act with. Nate's kisses are true, steady, almost healing...sometimes I get high on how pure he feels. Chuck? Well that's easy, they devoured me, it was sparks, passion, fear, getting lost. Carter was a dangerous distraction at the time... I wouldn't be surprised if it was completely different here and now over a decade later.

Dan Humphrey's kisses would make me dizzy, immutable most of the time they managed to find a nice balance between Chuck and Nate. Tender yet aggressive, he pulled at me, coaxed, stripped away and then honoured, always honoured. I struggle to remember the others, Louis' chaste dignified affections, Marcus is a blank altogether. To accurately categorize what this is between Serena and I … it is hard...

Symbiotic, intuitive... soft and ripe. I wonder if kissing all women is this way, if we kiss each other perfectly because we know what feels best by experience...one day maybe I will ask S.

I often - when we get really into it - have had moments wherein I forgave Nate and Dan their indiscretions of the past. Had I known this is what her lips felt like; I probably would have had a few of my own.

I feel the need to note; the kiss in the closet when we were 11? Not even close to this.

I am wearing one of Nate's exercise tanks of days past, with a scooping neckline and sides that hang very low with a small bandeaux underneath, she quickly pulls me as close as she can get me and slides the tiny top down. Her hands sneak in the sides easily and she pushes my breasts together tearing her mouth away from mine as her lips and tongue trail hotly and wetly down my throat and begin to lave at my nipples.

I flip the hem of her short flowing dress up and tug only one side of her panties down - roughly. That's all I need... and I know she gets extra excited whenever I am bossy and take charge with her, I think it has something to do with our old rivalry. I expertly place my hand over her, my middle finger pressed along the length of her and I wait.

A few second pass and I kiss her neck, nibble her shoulder and sure enough she moans and pushes against my hand, lowly crying _**please**_ somewhere into my bared cleavage. I dip my finger in, only past the first joint, keeping the rest of fingers pressed flushly against her and she pushes against me again...and again... and begins to build herself up on my soon two fingers. My nipples strain against her own administrations and one of her hands caresses and rubs one of my tits pleasantly.

She stops after about a minute which confuses me and drags my hand up to her mouth before grabbing me and kissing me all wet and hot with short breaths.

"Come on, I wanna taste you on that couch. Now B."

The door is unlocked and the boys left a few of the lights on, we stumble in, our hands grabbing whatever we can on each other. Instead of going straight to the couch Serena has me hop up on the island in the kitchen. She pulls my ringer shorts off easily and my underwear along with them and begins to make a meal out of me. She has openly confessed to Nate, granted in one of her coy seductions, how much she loves going down on me. That she worries she wasted all those years with men.

He usually sees fit to restore her faith for the evening.

The combinations of her warm tongue and the cold marble under my ass feels divine, her fingertips dig into my thighs and I groan her name out between, "yes right there." and "just like that."

I vaguely consider becoming bossy again and insisting we go to the room instead so we can 69 properly when she pulls her head up and nips the back of my thigh with her teeth.

"Couch Waldorf." She always says my last name all flirty and cute, it's an amusing contrast to that of Dan or Carter or pretty much anyone else for that matter.

The highlight reel of the couch features the usual - heavy, hurried petting, naughty words, scissoring. We don't bother to take anymore clothes off – except Serena's underwear. From where we are we can hear the front door if it opens and still have enough time to run to the room and surprise Nate.

But the real surprise is when Dan stumbles bleary eyed off the balcony rubbing one of his eyes with a raging sleep hard on sticking out from under his shorts.

Serena is on top me, angled so that her back is to him so I spot him just after he has seen us and mumbled huskily "Holy fuck."

All I can say is "Eeep."  
>Serena stills and shuts her eyes, willing the moment to go away, biting down on her lip.<br>A few beats, three at most.

He looks at me, lust all over his face, and I don't see the point of hiding my own.  
>My free hand that is not on Serena's chest ever so slightly lifts to him as I bite my lip.<br>_Well?_

He takes one step, his hand squeezing at his erection and he groans a little, clearly fighting with himself. Serena turns around without noticing my hand and finds him this way, she is beyond relieved. I'm not sure what she thought he would be other than turned on by his two ex-girlfriends together.

He looks between the two of us, and then she speaks "room for one more."  
>His eyes go back to me and I can see the question in them.<br>I nod and smile a tiny smile.

But then Serena speaks again, "Daaaan." Sings his name out. And his entire demeanour changes. He drops his shoulders, yawns and rubs his face.

"_**God**_ knows I really want to... you have no idea but...uh.. I can... shouldn't. Sorry for uh interrupting."

...

Serena yanks me up after we hear his door and grabs our clothes in the kitchen and we run down to our room and turn on the shower.

"What was _that_?" She all but wails while looking torn between tears and punching the wall.

"S..." I push her wet hair back and lean up to press a short kiss to her mouth. "He's probably in shock."

"But I don't get it... he knows about all of us now... do you think it's the history?"

"Which *one*?" I ask pointedly and reach for the body wash.

I begin to slowly and firmly rub it into her chest hoping this provides enough of a distraction, where the fuck is Nate?

"Fair enough. Think he's not over the Chuck thing?"

I think about it for a second and shortly after I come to the conclusion that he probably on some level isn't but decide that his alterism is what eats at him more than anything – it dawns on me. It's Serena, he's afraid of hurting her.

"Hmm... it probably is the Chuck thing."

Liar, Liar.

\

Of course we all had plans to make breakfast together the next morning, and of course it takes Nate all of 15 minutes to realize the loud threesome we had last night is not the cause for awkwardness.

He laughs, uproariously at us all. No really, he _cries_. He laughs so hard that he fucking cries.

We all glare at him.  
>Serena looks to be holding back tears of her own but they're obviously different.<br>Dan sees this and reaches out and clutches her hand on the counter and slaps Nate on the shoulder quickly.

"Dude." he hisses while I stare at their clasped hands against the same marble she ate me out on last night.

Nate wheezes something resembling an apology before adding, "Sorry I just don't see the big deal! Don't you all get it? HELLO!? We have all slept with each other! We've seen everything there is to see... and what little we haven't done is just inevitably going to happen at this point isn't it?"

It takes the other two a few seconds to realise what he means, to which Serena blushes happily for exactly two seconds before Dan catches on and drops her hand without looking at her.

I don't know if he was hoping she wouldn't notice but she did.

The next few weeks go by without any noteworthy incidents, I have heard Zach mention that within another month our home will be ready. It's obvious all the tenants of the bungalow are reconsidering the move all together.

But...

There is the now ever present awkward, tense air filling every moment, and every glance. We swing back between trying to find a new rhythm and forth to avoiding each other for different reasons. Dan broods and gets close then pulls away, Nate bounces between being direct and unapologetic to contemplative and observant.

Serena has just not been herself, I am genuinely surprised that she took the other night so poorly. I can't understand why it is Dan, after all this time, managed to get under her skin this easily.

They left things in a purely platonic way **years** ago, she has dated many times, been engaged (twice), not to mention I'm pretty sure her and Carter may be occasionally hooking up or well on their way to. So... then... why now? All these years later?

Nate and I spend one evening breaking her apart in bed when Dan has a shift at the watchtower. We take her to the edge, over and over again, she fists the sheets, begs and screams until her voice cracks.

But the next day, I can see, even if Nate can't when Dan kisses her cheek goodbye as she is coming in when he leaves for a run – it is not enough.

I would never admit it out loud, but for the first time since our life has been set on this morbid trajectory... there is something I don't want to share with Serena anymore.

/

You run once, maybe twice a week.  
>You work hard, so you get other exercise, the run is usually to clear your head and blow off steam.<p>

Since walking in on Blair and Serena you now run a **minimu**m of 3 days.

The sexual tension in the house is like a rubber ball in a windowless room. It bounces off every surface, no exit or point of release in sight. There is nowhere safe to go. Sometimes you have moments of weakness and linger but most often you wonder how this happened so suddenly. Just one week ago your biggest concern was that eventually you and Blair might have to have a conversation...as in talking.

Blair and Nate together presented some vague buzzing in your mind, Nate's question on their first night of whether it was dark in your life took on some new weight. Was he asking for you or for them? But nothing seemed pressing, or definitive. Nothing seemed urgent.

Now you feel like there is a clock planted in the center of the bungalow – just ticking away.

On Fridays you run early in the morning, you've just gotten to the road and stretched out your legs and ran maybe 7 paces when you hear your name.

Serena has scurried over. In a sports bra and small shorts.  
>God save the fucking Queen – why?<p>

You stare dumbly at her for a second then recover asking her what she's doing.

"Would you believe going for a run together?" You frown deeply and then she drops the pretence.

"Ok, we're going to talk about why it is you only touch me when Nate is around."

Well fuck.


End file.
